Penis Pipe

I’ve been lazy. Not about writing, about life. I have not penned anything because there really hasn’t been too much to write about. Life keeps on turning pages on more quickly than I care to read and I opt for the cliff notes. I’d be concerned but honestly my days have, lately, not been noteworthy. In fact, all the progress I have made in my adult life has taken a backseat to my most recent antics.

Part of me wanted to be more responsible this year than I was last year but judging by the opening month of 2011 that has been a complete and utter failure. Not only have a managed to drink gallons of alcohol more than I typically do, I have been rather promiscuous as well. I made a resolution to floss more and use more condoms. My teeth are very clean. Last week was my first time going back to the old STD doc in a long while:

Me: Hello old friend, we meet again.

STD Doc: I am going to put a pipe cleaner up your dick and derive satisfaction from this.

Me: This is a poor way to deal with your jealousy but I understand I have no choice in this matter.

STD Doc: You are correct, you do not. (Inserts pipe cleaner)

Me: Unintelligible noise accompanied by a strained face.

STD Doc: Looks like today is your lucky day. Do you want an HIV test?

Me: Fuck off.

This isn’t how the actual interaction took place, but you get the idea. STD tests, actual now called STI tests, are never fun and always embarrassing. The questions are always funny though and in hindsight it is fairly easy to laugh. Anyways, the doctor gave me a clean bill of health a week later so that was awesome news. Getting the test actually inspired me to get up off my ass and start doing things I had been shelving for some time. My house really needed a detailed cleaning: Cleaned. I really needed to get back into the gym on a regular basis and eat better: Gymin’ it and acquired healthy foods. Need to start stacking cash to prepare for events later in the year: Bank account is quite healthy.

It feels good to be accomplishing the small goals that I put forth. It was pretty easy to do with a rather light schedule at the bar this past week, so this week should really challenge me to stick with it since I have to work every night up until Super Sunday. Good for my bank account, bad for my social life and extra-curriculars. This is probably a good thing though because lately I have felt sort of lost. Despite the positive outcomes of my decisions I am looking for something more than just good fortune.

I am pushing myself to stay focused till August when I finally plan on moving. Not just to the city but to another state. I’ve gone over my next move for a couple of years now and the move that truly makes the most sense is going to Chicago. Gone are the reasons of the past where I wanted to pursue comedy. I want to move to Chicago to be around the people I miss, the people I found I had a lot in common with during college. I am not worried about leaving other friends behind because the ones I still talk to I know distance is not a factor. I just increasingly feel like I just don’t belong in Phoenix. I love Phoenix for what it is, but I have never been comfortable with the idea of calling it my home. Who knows, I may change my mind about Chicago but come August I will be somewhere else, but always in your heart.

In other Chuck news: I’m flirting with growing my hair out. I hope I look really good but probably just look like a goofy loser and stop mid-way through the awkward middle stage of hair growth. That’s as real as I can get I think. My heart hurts. Goodnight.